Grief is a funny thing.
Well, it’s not really funny – maybe interesting is a better word choice? Confounding? Confusing? Treacherous?
It really is, though. Almost six months have gone by since Nana passed away. For awhile all of my posts were pretty much consumed with the process of dealing with losing her. I’ve never lost anyone close to me before – and arguably, losing her was like losing a parent because she was so much a part of my life.
And it is still difficult on a daily basis. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her or want to call her and tell her something. I want to ask her what she thinks about certain things. I miss the way she would calm me down – because I can definitely get worked up.
I think – and this is just a theory (a hypothesis, even) – that until you lose someone close to you, you think you can always go back. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought we’d all (Mom, Dad, Griff, Laine/Clay, Candra) end up back in Helena and Nana would move back in with Mom and Dad. It wasn’t a conscious thought, really, because when I actually stop and think about how I had it pictured in my mind, we were back at the house on Ranchview and were all living there together. Obviously that wasn’t realistic. But there was still this notion in my head that I could go back and have things be the way they once were – similar to time travel. As long as everyone was alive, we could always go back. So really, I’m not missing the past, but my vision of what the future looked like changed when Nana passed away. It can never be the same again. We’ll never have another Thanksgiving or Christmas with ‘everyone’ again.
So anyway… back to grief. It’s odd to me how I can think about some random thing and think of Nana. And how when that happens, I miss her and grief just overcomes me. The occurrences have lessened, definitely, from a couple of months ago. But I just miss her. It’s indescribable and unfathomable.
The holidays make me think of her. They remind me of her.
This blog sounds depressing – it’s not meant to be. I don’t feel depressed. I just feel sad – and that’s part of life on earth. If we didn’t experience grief how would we appreciate joy?
3 comments:
I can totally understand your feelings of loss. Ron really misses his dad (of course he keeps it to himself), but the thought of our children not knowing his dad, makes us both pretty sad. Hopefully you're grief along with ours will eventually dissipate so that we can focus more on the good memories!
I empathize with you. In 2006 my grandma (my dad's mom) died around Thanksgiving. After her death my aunt and her husband bulldozed my grandma's farm and built a new house on the farm property in western Minnesota.
So many times I have had dreams or thoughts about going back to my grandma's farm -- and then I realize I can never go back.
Brant
http://theaweofgod.blogspot.com/
You know what the cool thing is? The pain you've lived and breathed does not go to waste. Why? The grief you've experienced has deepened your character and sense of empathy. You will be able to help someone else through their "valley" experience because of what you've gone through. Your loss need not be for naught. I love that. And I think your Nana would, too.
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